Will I ever become a mom?

When I was younger, I often wondered how it was to become a mother. I see mothers are very powerful individuals who never seem to tire themselves. To me, they are like superhumans, able to juggle everything: from doing every bit of the house chores, attending to the needs of the family, providing support to their partners and kids while some have that supplemental energy to engage in a career in the office or be in business. They are women of courage, perseverance and sacrifice - the epitome of selflessness.


It's admirable how moms can perform all these tasks without much difficulty and complaining-- which made me envision the same... an ultimate dream of becoming one someday... soon.


Fast forward.... I was 27 and well, as they say, should be putting my birthing hips to good use. My friends would even joke on us who were single, that 'that opening' will soon be impenetrable ("Magsasara na 'yan!"). I just shrugged off the pranks though I'm psyched to the idea of having children.


Now, here's the catch:


I have endometriosis, adenomyosis with retroverted uterus.  Many people ask me, "What's that?!" or "But you can still get pregnant, right?"

Getting pregnant: An elusive dream???

 (If you want to know more about these conditions, you may want to look at these sites about endometriosis and adenomyosis.)

YES, I have some structural abnormality in my repro system which is probably the reason why I have unusually heavy periods with large blood clots and unbearable, excruciating pain. The kind that render me literally useless for days. And may be the reason for our difficulty in conceiving a baby. 

After many months or year(s) of ordeal, I finally & fearfully convinced myself to consult with an ob-gyne. I was 27 then just a couple of months before me and my partner for 5 years decided to take our relationship to a higher level. YES, getting married. 

The initial consultations were nerve-wracking. I dreaded the hospital visits and the tests I needed to undergo for the doctors to make an accurate prognosis of my condition. I could not muster the thought of not being able to bear a child. 

My first obstetrician was relatively young and I didn't feel so confident talking to her.  Besides, I was not comfy going to the doctors alone.  So, I asked my partner to come with me on my next consultation, this time, we sought the opinion of a second gyne who to our surprise wanted to perform surgery right away!  We were preparing for our upcoming wedding which was then commencing in a few months and we could not incur a sudden expense that will curb our rather limited financial capacity (she wanted us to prepare at least a hundred thousand pesos for the removal of the endometriotic cyst thru laparotomy vis-a-vis laparoscopy which she honestly told us will get rid of the former without addressing my adenomyosis).

We decided to postpone the operation until after the wedding. With so many things running inside our heads, with all the preparations and pocketful of expenses, an expensive surgery which as of the moment was not considered an emergency (save for the fact that I will continue to suffer the pains of endometriosis) was not an option.


To our mind, we would like to try to conceive (TTC) naturally and when all else fails then maybe, that will be the time we will probably consider such a drastic decision- going under the knife.


Our D-day came and finally we can start with our mission:  Officially TTC - the natural way.


1 month, 2 months...3...4...5...6... FAIL...


I noticed my period was getting worse... heavier with larger clots, the type that scared the hell out of me.  The pain was unbearable. The dysmenorrhea radiated from my lower back, to the pelvic floor down to my groin, thighs and legs. I could not get up.  I didn't want to be relying on pain killers the whole time as the usual dose didn't seem to work anymore. I became scared. Really scared. Could it be my cyst rupturing or the adenomyosis growing at such a rapid pace?


So many things were running in my head.  If all of these happen, what will become of me?


I became more moody, encountering many bouts of depression and anxiety attacks. I was restless. I started feeling helpless, wallowing in self-pity I became withdrawn to the world around me. As if nothing matters anymore.


Questions were flooding my mind. Too many what if's and but's.


Will my husband hate me because I can't give him a child?
Will this put a toll in our relationship? in our marriage?
Will I ever fulfill my dream of holding a little child in my arms and become a mom?


I can only whine in exasperation.


Sigh.